Category Archives: life coaching

Make Your Dreams Reality Part 2

Consider the following:
1iduyo

The difference is everything. Personally, it took me a long time to realise that I didn’t want to become a world class guitarist; if I did, I’d want to practice for hours every day.

Making You Dreams Reality part 1 talked about how to tune your lens to your dreams so that you can easily attract them in the world, and touches on how to find out what you truly want. Let’s go deeper. Finding your wants and desires can be a deep process, involving getting fears and expectations out of the way.

When it comes to making dreams into reality, I tend to shy away from “goal orientated” success. Lets make it abstract: naturally we yearn to meet our basic physical needs, plus our needs for love, contentment, happiness and fulfilment. We might also want to have virtues such as generosity or kindness, but it’s my opinion that those come naturally when our basic physical and human needs are met, so there’s no selfishness in focusing on ourselves.

Ok, so it turned out I didn’t want to be a world class guitarist; I knew that because I had no desire to put in that level of practice. So what do I want to do for hours every day? Could it really be as simple as getting up in the morning, doing whatever I want, and later finding that all my dreams have been realised… well, yes.

Trouble is, doing what you want to do is not that simple.

As mentioned in Part 1, finding out what we truly want can be very difficult. For most of us, there’s a bunch of stuff in the way; mostly fears of different sorts. Many people are so paralysed by fear of failure they find it impossible to get into the relaxed state needed to be creative (The Artist’s Way is packed with processes to dismantle these fears) for example.

Part 1 gives the example of someone thinking they want a sports car, when actually they want the acceptance from their peers they believe a sports car would bring them. This, being a “displaced desire”, it can never be satisfied. After all, it’s not possible to receive a deep level of acceptance from a group of peers, based on car ownership. It’s closer to being a fear of exclusion than a desire for acceptance.

What’s important is dedicating ourselves to a process of seeking our true desires, whilst noticing and calling out the fears and expectations that get in the way.

This can also be shown in reverse: when we want something, we can notice why we want it, and therefore identify whether it’s a genuine desire, or simply led by fear.

When I first heard of the idea of doing whatever the hell I want all day long, instead of being disciplined, I thought it a barmy notion bordering on madness. I imagined I’d miss all deadlines, become unfit and never follow through and finish a project. However, having devoted some years to the matter of getting firmly in touch with what I really want, I’ve dispelled those myths. I broke through false beliefs such as the idea that I’m naturally un-motivated, or that working all hours of the day is the best way to be. Here’s what I discovered:

  • Yup – there will be quite a lot of dossing about in PJs. Go on: binge on it. You’ve never let yourself before! This doesn’t mean it’s the only thing you’ll ever do from now on. Just let it run its course.
  • No, I don’t want to work all the time. I discovered I don’t suit a 40hr working week. If I want to be highly productive I’m better off on half that. I enjoy it, and you’ll be surprised how much I get done.
  • I meet my deadlines; not sure exactly how this one works out, but I do.
  • I don’t procrastinate; there’s no such thing as procrastination anymore. I can trust my inner sense – if I don’t want to do something right now, I don’t do it.
  • When you’re in touch with your sense of what you want, that sense gets stronger. It shouts pretty loud and everything becomes clear; fears become easier to notice and let go of – snowball effect.
  • You can trust yourself to want good things. As humans we want love, connection, growth, happiness, for us an ourselves. It’s displaced desires or those based on fear that lead us to want power over each other, or for others to suffer. When we are truly in touch with what we want it the good stuff.

Before I started trying this approach I was known for my discipline. These days I’m known for my productivity, and for my energy. Of course I’ve plenty of energy now: I’m no longer wasting any of it doing things I’m not interested in.

Love and light

-Kimwei

Related Articles: Make Your Dreams Reality Part 1, How To Get More Motivated

Also check out the Symphony For Happines Vlog

… and connect with me @:

facebook.com/kimweidotcom

Music @:

kimwei.com

youtube.com/kimweidotcom

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Filed under alternative lifestyle, Guitar (Acoustic/Percussive/Fingerstyle), life coaching, Self help, Uncategorized

Unlocking The Healing Power Of Envy

Envy.jpg

Excerpt from Hoggart’s wonderful book shaming round robin letters designed to invoke envy

Everyone experiences jealousy or envy… well everyone except me. I’m not joking. For years I’ve been baffled by envy, what it is and why other people feel it when I don’t seem to. Recently I’ve understood that I DO feel it, it’s just that those feelings so quickly transform into positive information that I barely notice them. I’m not trying to make you jealous. Here’s how to do it.

The truth is, listening to what our envy is trying to tell us can be the key to unlocking our lives. Jealousy or envy are messengers, just like anger is. The quicker you get the message, and act on it, the quicker the unpleasant sensations that come with these emotions evaporate.

Anger tells us about something we don’t want – behaviour towards us or others, injustice in the world, unfairness, inconsideration, aggression. Envy (and lets focus on envy rather than jealousy) tells us about something we do want, specifically when we see that someone else has it, and we feel “discontented or resentful longing” as a result.

This is as far as most people get, but did you know that envy occurs when we see someone who has something that we ourselves could bring into our lives? It tells us about something we do want, but are failing to pursue. In this way, envy is a gift: it lets us know what our desires look like, through someone else. It puts our eye on the prize. Envy alerts me to wherever I’m blatantly failing to notice an opportunity, or desire: “Oh, I didn’t know I wanted that. Best reach out and grab it.”

Unfortunately most people never get this message. They feel envy, but couple it with a statement such as “I’ll never get what they have”, and therefore take no action. The envy continues unabated, gnawing at them for years.

To unlock the healing, transformative power of envy is simple: listen to what it’s telling you, then take positive action.

At its simplest level, the process can be summarised through the “I wish I’d ordered that” phenomenon. At a restaurant, envy occurs when you see what your friend ordered and say “I wish I’d ordered that!” They ask you, “Then why didn’t you order it?” Of course you respond, “I didn’t know I wanted it till I saw it!”

Great, you’ve got the message. Now you can take negative action: eschew the restaurant forevermore, never order it, never eat it, be nasty to your friend, try to steal their food. Or you can take positive action and say, “Hey, I’ll have the pistachio ice cream next time. Thanks for showing me that it exists so I could find out I want it.”

Often, a resolve to order it next time makes you feel ok about this time. Your friend, instead of being alienated by the force of your envy, will have a better time with you and might even share with you (although that shouldn’t be your motivation of course).

Ask yourself, “What do I want that she/he has, and where in my life can I take positive action towards it?” You’ll be able to tell when you’ve hit the nail on the head, because all negative feelings will dissipate. If you believe you’ve got it because you feel motivated towards your goal, but underneath you’re muttering “Screw them! I’ll show them next time, and rub it in their face! ”… then you haven’t really got it.

To go into more detail on how to get the message from your envy, first, let’s distinguish it from “admiration” and “awe”.

Admiration is when we think someone’s great, but we don’t feel bad as a result. It doesn’t bother us that they are great. They may even have achieved exactly what we’d like to achieve, but knowing that gives a us warm fuzzy glow inside.

Have you noticed that someone having what you want doesn’t automatically result in envy? That’s because there’s no message to deliver. You’re cool with wanting what they have; you’re already working towards having it some day too. You’re in touch with what you desire! Envy serves to identify blocked desire.

Awe too is good. We don’t need to do anything about it  – it’s already positive. I’m in awe of professional dancers. I’m inspired by their discipline. What they do is like magic to me. But, whilst I might say to myself “I wish I could dance”, I don’t feel upset that I can’t. I’ve no desire to rehearse for 10hrs a day either, so I think we can safely say I’m in awe of dancers, rather than envious of them.

The funny thing is, we often don’t feel jealousy for something if it’s totally way out of the realms of our lives, it has to be much closer to home.

I’ll give you a very literal example from when I last felt envious. For about 6 months, I’d been trying to get a gig in the UK which paid enough to justify travelling from France for it. I’d created a pitch, approached venues: no joy. Then one day a UK friend told me they’d been offered a gig in France, with such a good fee they couldn’t turn it down, but were complaining about the hassle of travelling. Straightaway I told them, “I’m so jealous. I’m TRYING to get a gig just like that, whilst you’re complaining that you have one!”.

My feelings of envy quickly evaporated when I remembered that I hadn’t been trying. I’d given up months ago. Immediately I sent out emails to the same venues as before. Guess what…not one, but three of them said “YES”.

Ok that’s a very literal example, but what about something more difficult to decode? What about feeling envious of someone who’s won a prize for example, or the lottery? After all, you can’t plan those things, or take action towards getting them yourself.

Again it’s likely that feelings of envy are highlighting something which is both close to home, and that you can take immediate action on. In the case of the lottery, you might covet financial security, and this feeling could alert you to a financial issue you can easily address.

A prize shows that someone is recognised for their merits by an esteemed body. Envy could indicate where you feel unacknowledged, perhaps within your own family, and give you the impetus to talk to them about it. Alternatively it could be a feeling that you’ve let yourself down in areas which might have otherwise landed you the prize. Strangely, once you start to put effort into those areas, it probably won’t matter to you at all whether you’re given an award for doing so.

Interestingly we tend to project skewed images of those we envy. For example, the lottery winner may not be feeling financially secure, but thinking “Oh no, I’ve got all this money and I bet I’m going to fritter it away and be skint again in no time.” Likewise, the prize winner might not experience a warm sense of acceptance from their peers but feel embarrassed and pressured. This is how we know that envy is a messenger for our own desires, because it does not consider our victim’s true feelings, only how we imagine we’d feel if we had what they have.

This final point is very important. It’s easy to think that if we had what they have we would be happy. But, buy the car they bought, the clothes they wear and find out it’s not true. This is of course, how advertising works: look how happy that family are eating breakfast cereal together!

It’s very important to focus in on how we imagine we would feel if we had what they had. Would we feel content, loved, secure, grateful, appreciated? Whichever it is, envy is telling us to look for actions we can take that would bring us more of that feeling.

The Minimalists have a great example which they use in their talks. Ryan had a domestic cleaning job with his dad and he noticed that the people who’s houses they cleaned seemed really happy. I have no idea if he felt envy, but nontheless he found out how much they earned, $50k p/y, and decided to make that income his number 1 goal. When he reached it, the penny dropped: happiness didn’t come as standard with $50k. In fact, it turns out it the penny didn’t fully drop there, since Ryan assumed the problem was inflation, but that’s another story.

To recap, if you experience envy, here’s what to do. Ask yourself:

  • How would I feel if I had what that person has?
  • Would I feel like that if I too had what they had?
  • If yes, is having what they have the only way I could feel like that?
  • If no, what would make me feel that way?
  • What actions can I take to bring more of that feeling into my life?

Hope you’ve enjoyed this article and find the process useful. I’m afraid it’s not referenced as I haven’t read about this process, it’s just the one I use myself. Please let me know if you find any existing literature that relates to it. For me, the actions I take as a result of listening to my envy tend to be the most exciting breakthroughs of my life, like a dam breaking. Why? Because there was a block I didn’t notice and envy pointed it out.

-Kimwei

Also check out the Symphony For Happines Vlog

… and connect with me @:

facebook.com/kimweidotcom

Music @:

kimwei.com

youtube.com/kimweidotcom

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Filed under life coaching, lifestyle, Self help, Uncategorized

Can’t Take Criticism? Good For You!

What’s the point of saying to someone “Your problem is you can’t take criticism”?

  • If this is true, how do you expect them to take the comment on board?
  • The statement itself falls under the bracket of plain ol’ criticism, not constructive criticism.
  • Most often this comment is levelled by someone who wants carte-blanche be insulting.

It’s not a useful phrase in my book.

I personally am proud to say “I can’t take criticism” – if it’s not constructive. Yet, truly constructive criticism is rare.

As an Undergraduate Mentor , I criticise for a living. Whilst I don’t always get it perfect, I’m dedicated to giving good quality criticism. I want my students to feel positive after our feedback sessions – champing at the bit to go back to their work with a new game-plan. They should walk out feeling un-stuck where they were stuck, and keen where they may have felt disheartened. If my criticism doesn’t make the receiver feel great, I need to re-think my approach.

I’ve been on the receiving end of incredibly helpful feedback both personally and professionally – its pure gold. But careless criticism, or tactless, incorrect remarks, claiming to be constructive, I have no time for. They infuriate me, and why shouldn’t they? After all, these remarks are essentially negativite whilst professing to be on your side.

There’s no place in my personal and professional relationships for criticism which is not fit for purpose. I’d go so far as to say that ideal feedback contains no criticism and no negative statements. In my book, it should be called “constructive commenting” – with no “criticism” in sight.

“Constructive criticism” is simply a contradiction in terms.

Which of these approaches would you rather be on the receiving end of?

“I’m on your side so I’m gonna be blunt and tell you what’s shit so you can improve it. You’ll be grateful because if no-one ever tells you, you’ll just keep being shit!”

or

“I’m on your side, and this means I’m excited about everything you’re doing so well, and even more excited about the potential you have to improve even more. Let’s identify the areas with the most potential for growth and create a plan together!”

There are big differences between the two. Even though the tough-love approach could be helpful, it’s inherently negative. It’s based on the idea that people get better when they focus on how badly things are going. In reality, the opposite is true. I believe people improve when they are charged with self-belief and totally focused on a positive goal. In that state of mind they will tear through anything in their path to get to it.

Ironically, to demonstrate what I mean, I’m going to criticise an example of what I think of as “bad” criticism, from an article about people who “can’t take criticism”. This is one example of what the author calls “constructive”:

 Boring is death. Never be boring. Be provocative, be entertaining, be enlightening, be educational. Never boring. Unfortunately, right now, you’re boring.”

There are SO many discouraging factors I don’t know where to start. The overall message – “your writing has some good ideas but would be more engaging if…” – is in there somewhere, but is couched in such a way that it comes across as an insult. This is partly because it confuses the subject’s work, with the subject, by saying “you’re boring” instead of “your writing is boring”.

The advice too is impossible to follow, because if someone’s writes “boring” stuff, a logical conclusion that they don’t know how to “be entertaining”. Simply telling them to do it won’t help. The result – the message sent is “you’re rubbish and should get better”. Not very useful, but unfortunately I can’t provide any suggestions for more useful feedback in this context, because I didn’t see the original work.

I can however, suggest a different approach. I’m not talking about pussy-footing around weak spots, or being afraid to mention them – I’m talking about an overall positive attitude. The above excerpt is like advising someone on how to sculpt an elephant by saying Chip away everything that doesn’t look like an elephant.” True, but unhelpful. Really good feedback however, says “That bit over there doesn’t look like an elephant. I have some suggestions on how you could chip it away.”

This approach requires a lot of attention. For a start, you’ll need to know which elephant the artist is aiming for. No use giving feedback on how to sculpt an Indian elephant if it was meant to be an African one all along. Also, avoid confusing the artist’s desired elephant with your desired elephant (by the way, the elephant is a representation of someone’s desired goals, be they personal/skill development, or completing a project).

Next, be specific and accurate. Avoid personal likes and dislikes such as “I don’t like the tusks”. If the tusks need more detail, say “tusks” not “head”. If you’re not sure what would improve said tusks, don’t try and say more than you know. Try “I think the tusks needs something. If you agree, can we explore what that might be?”

Here are some helpful phrases to deal with areas that need improvement:

“I know you really want this result and I have an idea that might help you achieve it…”

“This aspect of the work has improved so much you should be really proud! It throws this other aspect into sharp focus, which could be brought up to the same standard to make the over all product water-tight.”

“I’d like to explore whether it would take you closer to your goal if this aspect was changed or omitted.”

“Since you’ve told me you’re aiming for X, my reflection is that the biggest obstacle to achieving X is Y. How does that sit with you?”

But more than phrasing, the key is attitude. Even clumsy comments can go down well with the right intentions, whilst (as seen above), cutting accuracy can be ineffective depending on how its offered.

Check with yourself – why are you giving feedback? The most genuine reason to do so is a real commitment to helping someone achieve their goals. As the critic, you are the space holder.

Common misaligned reasons people criticise include wanting to look like an expert, wanting to take someone down a peg, or wanting someone to behave more like them. There’s nothing quite like the person who tells you you’ve offended them by saying “Can I give you some constructive criticism? You offend people.” No doubt that they’ll soon be saying “some people can’t take criticism”, to which you can respond “No, I can’t take criticism and I won’t.”

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How To Get More Motivated!

A friend asked me how I stay so disciplined and productive in my work. When I told her I have no work ethic, no discipline and no schedule, she wanted to know more.

My strategy is this: Remove everything that gets in the way of my natural sense of motivation. 

Then I want to do stuff. I never force myself to do anything.

(as shown below)

Motivation.jpg

 

Sound too good to be true? In a way, it IS. Whilst the principles of this process are simple, it’s taken me years to put it into practice (still ongoing). Turns out, blocks to my natural sense of motivation were present in every aspect of my life from housework to study to art!

Overview – the main blockers I’ve been working with:

  1. Filling up life with tasks I don’t like.
  2. Self doubt based inertia (mountain molehill stuff)
  3. A habit of not enjoying tasks (even those I like!)
  4. Working against my natural work rhythms.
  5. Emotional blocks.

Here’s what I’m learning to do instead:

  1. Fill my life with tasks I love
  2. Overcome inertia and nurture enthusiam
  3. Enjoy what I do.
  4. Understand my natural work rhythms and relationship with distraction
  5. Work through emotional blocks

The results are simply amazing! I get up in the morning, decide which project I want to do most and get on with it. Although I’m not working many hours p/w, feeling motivated means being focused, so I’m getting loads done!

Here’s more detail (also see my vlog on procrastination).

  1. A life full of tasks I love!

Let’s get this straight – There are very few tasks I love everything about, but for me to take something on…

…I have to be excited about doing it and about its (non-monetary) outcomes.

Going through this process can be terrifying!  When I first started I discovered that all my paid work fitted was “stuff I didn’t like”! I couldn’t just chuck it all and start again… could I? In fact I didn’t need to. I only dreaded aspects of each job and loved the rest. So now I still gig, but only take gigs I’ll love. I relaunched my recording studio to be even more holistic, creative and artist centred. I realised I didn’t want to teach unless 100% of my students were keen and self-motivated (thought impossible at the time but now a reality!). I still write and record music… ok that one was ticking over fine in the first place.

But what about stuff that you have to do that you don’t want to, like the washing up? This is a weird one, which needs strategising and rationalising. Tim Ferris has a good explanation of “batching” in his book The 4-Hour Work Week, which involves identifying tasks that can be done in bigger hits, less frequently, diminishing the overall life-hours they occupy. As well as batching, delegating or giving up where possible, could you change how you do these tasks so that you enjoy them more (see point 3)?

2. Overcoming inertia and nurturing enthusiam

When I get a sense of intertia surrounding a task, it might be that I have doubts about being able to do it. This isn’t necessarily under-confidence. If point 1 is in place, each task should be something I’m excited about and that’s important to me, therefore it’s likely also to be difficult in places. Given that it’s important to me, the flip-side is, I’ll be disappointed if I don’t do it well, so there’s naturally some trepidation. You can spot a task like this if you always enjoy it, feel great afterwards, yet always feel reluctant beforehand.

Rather than forcing yourself to get started (which just results in associating the task with unpleasant feelings), a good strategy is to distract or encourage yourself.

Distracting: Listening to happy music whilst I set up my recording kit to help avoid self doubting thoughts about recording.

Encouraging: Keeping a guitar/vocals practice diary and reading back how great I felt after my last practice just before the next one (the same could work for exercise?).

3. Enjoying what I do

Being used to forcing myself to do stuff I didn’t like, I was shocked to discover I was also doing tasks I like in the least enjoyable way possible! Seriously!

You might be doing the same if you have the following thoughts: “Ok, if I can get this done in the next 30mins I can go to lunch early. If not, I’ll have to skip lunch.” or “I’ll just get my head down and blitz it all day!”

What are we thinking when we tell ourselves this stuff?! Do we think we’re going to have a nice day working super intensively and get frazzled? Or the other trick – giving ourselves an unrealistic time-slot to get it done, resulting in a rush and panic? If we go through life thinking “I’ll just do this, get it over as quickly as possible and then get on to something I like”, it’s much more likely that our lives will just be full of tasks that we’re trying to get over and done with! Worse still, we’re training ourselves to feel stressed about all our tasks, causing huge demotivation!

If everything on your to-do list is exciting and important to you, it should be enjoyable too. So set yourself up to enjoy it! Let projects fill the space they need to. Work at your own pace – if the project holds your interest, you’ll be naturally productive. When we enjoy what we’re doing we become focused and absorbed. The psychological term for this state is “flow” or “in the zone”.

4. Understanding Ones Natural Work Rhythms / Distraction

“I’m turning over a new leaf” you might say to yourself, “I’ll start first thing tomorrow morning, break for lunch at 12.30pm, then crack on till 5pm.” But what if that’s not your natural rhythm? If you work in an office and can’t choose your hours, you might be able to choose the order of your day to an extent. Are you creative in the morning, but slump mid afternoon? Do you need a half hour’s “play” time surfing online before getting started? Find out about yourself.

I remember first understanding this concept as a kid. Fortunately my parents never made me do homework. Other kids would be forced to get started straight after tea, to be done by 6pm and “have the whole evening free”. Well, I never felt like coming home from school and getting straight back to the grind after marmalade on toast! My brain was tired from a whole day’s study. Often I’d nap, waking up at 6pm to actually find homework appealing and less grind-like.

Finally, be aware of your body’s natural rhythms. Whilst you may feel more productive working through lunch, or staying up late, you’re probably not. Breaks, and keeping your body happy facilitates motivation too. However, bear in mind that despite the modern obsession with the matter, increasing productivity has a ceiling. If your work is very intense, your natural ceiling may be far less than 40hrs per week.

A note on distraction: It’s well known that distraction is a huge enemy to the “flow” state. When someone is interrupted, it can take up to 10mins for them to get back on task, which is why setting up a distraction free work environment is important – quiet working space, clear desk, full screen mode, notifications off.

But what about one’s distractibility? Once getting in “the zone” becomes a habit, it’s suddenly easier to work in distracting environments (trains, cafes etc). Conversely when we become drained, we find we’ve clicked onto social media without even knowing. Rather than chiding myself, I’ve had much better results aknowledging that such behaviour is a sign I need a break.

5. Emotional blocks

One of the trickiest reasons for task avoidance is an emotional block. Each block is unique, and must be worked through rather than pushed through. An holistic accountant (who addresses money relationships as well as tax returns) once told me that many mathematically capable people completely fail to do their accounts because their financial fears stop them even opening a spreadsheet. Showing them a user-friendly systems for recording expenses has no effect unless the emotional blocks are addressed.

Hope you’ve enjoyed this overview! I could definetely expand on each of the 5 points, giving each a full post of their own and walking through processes for addressing each one.

-Kimwei

Also check out the Symphony For Happines Vlog

… and connect with me @:

facebook.com/kimweidotcom

Music @:

kimwei.com

youtube.com/kimweidotcom

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Filed under Digital Nomad, life coaching, musicians, self employed